What If I’ve Always Struggled but Was Never Diagnosed? Finding Support for Neurodivergent Adults
You’ve always felt a little different.
Maybe school was hard, but you masked it by getting by… until the anxiety became too loud to ignore. Maybe you were called “too sensitive,” “too lazy,” or “too much,” and no one stopped to ask why. Or maybe you’ve always had a nagging feeling that things seem easier for everyone else - managing time, regulating emotions, staying organized; and you’ve spent years blaming yourself for not trying hard enough or not fitting in.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many adults, particularly women and gender-diverse people, are coming to recognize patterns in themselves that may reflect undiagnosed neurodivergence, including ADHD, autism, or learning disabilities. They may have spent decades working to “fit in,” unaware that their brain simply works differently. And when those differences go unrecognized, they can take a toll on mental health, relationships, and self-worth.
The good news? It’s never too late to seek understanding, support, and tools that help you thrive.
What Is Neurodivergence?
Neurodivergence is a broad term that refers to the natural variation in how people think, learn, and experience the world. While society often assumes there's a single “normal” way of thinking, neurodivergence reminds us that brains come in many forms, and that difference is not deficiency.
Common forms of neurodivergence include:
ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder): Characterized by challenges with attention, impulsivity, time management, and executive functioning.
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD): Involves differences in social communication, sensory processing, routines, and how one relates to others and the world.
Learning Disabilities (e.g., dyslexia, dyscalculia): Processing differences affect specific areas of learning like reading, writing, or math, even when general intelligence is average or above.
Many adults with undiagnosed neurodivergence have internalized harmful messages about being “lazy,” “difficult,” or “not smart enough,” when in fact, they may simply need supports and strategies aligned with how their brain works best.
Why It’s Often Missed in Childhood
You might wonder: Why didn’t anyone notice this when I was younger? There are several reasons adults are often missed:
1. Masking and Compensation
Many neurodivergent individuals, especially girls and women, become experts at masking their difficulties. They learn to mimic social cues, memorize rather than understand, or overwork to keep up. On the surface, they appear to be coping. Inside, it’s often exhausting.
2. Outdated or Biased Criteria
For years, diagnostic criteria were based largely on how conditions present in boys. Subtle, internalized symptoms (like inattentive ADHD without hyperactivity or heightened social anxiety) were often overlooked, and gifted or quiet kids were assumed to be “fine.”
3. Lack of Access or Understanding
Families may not have had access to assessments, or mental health wasn’t discussed openly. Some were told they were being dramatic, disobedient, or needed to try harder, not realizing there was an explanation for their struggles.
Signs You Might Be Neurodivergent
Every person’s experience is unique, but here are some signs that may resonate:
Executive Functioning Challenges:
Difficulty starting or finishing projects, even ones you want to do
Either difficulty keeping up with routines or having routines that are too rigid
Feeling overwhelmed by small tasks or decisions
Chronic procrastination, perfectionism, or burnout
Getting stuck on the same topics or ways of thinking
Sensory Sensitivities:
Overwhelmed by noise, bright lights, or certain textures
Needing time alone to recover after socializing
Strong aversions to clothing, smells, sounds, or food textures
Emotional Regulation & Social Differences:
Intense emotional reactions or difficulty calming down
Feeling misunderstood or “too sensitive”
Trouble with small talk or unspoken social rules
Preferring “deep topics” instead of small talk, even with strangers
Having a very strong sense of social justice or what’s right and wrong
Lifelong Struggles With Self-Worth:
Feeling “behind” in life, even if you’re working hard
Difficulty maintaining employment, relationships, or routines
Constantly comparing yourself to others or feeling like you’re not good enough
None of these signs alone are diagnostic. But if they feel familiar, especially if they’ve been consistent throughout your life, it might be worth exploring further.
What a Diagnosis Can (and Can’t) Do
Getting assessed as an adult can feel validating, finally having a name for something you’ve lived with for years. It can also bring up grief for the time you spent struggling without support.
Here’s what a diagnosis can offer:
Clarity and self-understanding: Knowing that there’s a neurological reason behind your experience can be deeply affirming.
Access to accommodations and supports: In school, work, or public services.
Personalized strategies: Understanding your brain helps you find tools that actually work for you.
Self-advocacy: Once you understand why you’ve always felt like this, it gets easier to stand up for what you need.
But a diagnosis is not a magic fix. It doesn’t erase past experiences or mean you’ll never struggle again. What it can do is open the door to self-compassion, tailored support, and a greater sense of agency moving forward.
How to Start Exploring
1. Psychoeducational or Neurodevelopmental Assessments
A comprehensive psychological assessment can help clarify whether ADHD, autism, learning disabilities, or other neurodevelopmental differences are present. It’s not just about labels - it’s about understanding how you learn, process, and function best.
Assessments for adults typically include interviews, questionnaires, cognitive testing, and sometimes input from others who know you well.
Look for a provider who offers:
Trauma-informed, respectful, and collaborative assessments
Neuroaffirming perspectives (i.e., can celebrate differences and doesn’t view them as “brokenness”)
Clear, practical recommendations that support real-life changes
2. Therapy with a Neuroaffirming Clinician
Whether or not you pursue an assessment, working with a therapist who understands neurodivergence can help you:
Unpack internalized shame or negative self-beliefs
Learn emotional regulation and executive functioning strategies
Navigate relationships and self-advocacy with more confidence
3. Community and Self-Education
Sometimes, the most healing part of discovering you're neurodivergent is realizing you’re not alone.
There’s a growing community of adults sharing stories, strategies, and solidarity. Whether through books, podcasts, online spaces, or local groups, connecting with others can reduce isolation and foster empowerment.
You Deserve Support, Not Shame
If you’ve always struggled but no one ever asked why, it’s not because you were broken or not trying hard enough. It’s because the system wasn’t designed with brains like yours in mind.
But that’s changing.
There’s a growing recognition that neurodivergent adults exist and that their experiences, needs, and strengths matter. Whether you’re seeking clarity, accommodations, tools to thrive, or simply the validation of being seen, know this:
You deserve support. You deserve to understand yourself.
You deserve to live a life that works for you.
Why Choose Stillpoint Psychology?
We specialize in working with neurodivergent adults who are seeking clarity, connection, and meaningful change. Whether you’re exploring a possible diagnosis or want support navigating life as a neurodivergent person, we’re here to help.
We offer:
Warm, neuroaffirming therapy that honours your unique experience
Comprehensive assessments for ADHD, autism, and learning disabilities
Inclusive, trauma-informed care that meets you where you are
Our team provides services in English and Spanish, with flexible options for in-person sessions in Toronto or virtual care across Ontario.
Ready to explore options?
Check out our other blog post about where to start with autism and ADHD assessments in Ontario, or reach out to us here to book a free 15-minute consultation and learn more about how we can support you on your journey.
